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gut, gut

es ist sehr ärgerlich, wirklich...warum können meine Eltern mich einfach nicht allein lassen? also wenn ich einfach einen Apfel zum Abendessen haben will, ist es denn meine Wahl. ich kann machen, was ich will. dieses ist mein Leben. ich weiß, was ich tue. ich weiß genau, was die Folgen meinen Taten sind. weißt du was- alle die gute Zeite in meinem Leben waren als ich MIR zu hörte. und alle die schlechte Zeite waren als ich anderen Leute zu hörte. ich habe genug gehabt, wirklich. ich muss zurück gehen. ich muss nur mir vertrauen. und ich weiß, dass ich das richtige Ding mache.

heute ist ein bisschen knifflig, denn es ist ein Feiertag, also bleibe ich zuhause. also muss ich mit meiner Familie mittagessen. also kann ich nicht nichts essen. also wird meine Familie merken, wenn ich nichts esse. also ist die Lage total beschissen. ich will wirklich nicht essen, aber vielleicht ist eine kleine Schüssel Salat noch in Ordnung. sowieso habe ich diesen Morgen joggen gegangen und werde ich später am Nachmittag noch mehr Sport treiben. und wenn ich sehr langsam esse, wird es so scheinen, dass alles normal ist...

ach meine arme Mama. "du kannst dich aber nicht der ganze Tag von Obst ernähren! was isst du am Frühstück? Obst. Mittagessen? Noch Obst. und Abendessen?" ah, aber da weiß meine Mama nicht, dass ich kein Mittagessen habe. wirklich, wie blöd könnte sie sein- sie weiß schon, dass ich alles mein Taschengeld ausgegeben habe. also wie könnte ich Geld haben, Essen zu kaufen? auf jeden Fall, stehe ich auf dem Standpunkt, dass ihr Argument schlecht ist, denn es gibt eigentlich viele Stämme, die nur Obst essen, und sie sind VIEL gesünder als uns! (z.B. die Hunzukuts, Vilcabambans, Abkhazians...)

hmm. ich kann den Nachmittag kaum erwarten- mehr Sport! (mehr Abnehmen)

1.5.08 04:13


hey

mein Papa hat mir gerade gesagt, "ich will nicht, dass du eine Essstörung haben wirst." und weißt du was? das hat mir Kraft gegeben...dass ich magersüchtig wirklich sein kann...ich kann das sein...ich kann doch mager sein...diese magere Mädchen, die ich immer so oft sehe? ja, ein Tag wird ein Mädchen mich sehen und sagen, "das will ich sein."

ich kann doch magersüchtig sein. ich muss mich nur meinen Traum in meinem Kopf halten...das Bild von mir, wenn ich endlich mager bin...ich muss mir so mager vorstellen, oh wie schön es sein wird...tausende Mädchen in dieser Welt sind magersüchtig...wenn SIE die Disziplin haben, wenn SIE es machen können, warum denn nicht ich? denk dran...ich kann "join the club". magersüchtig zu sein ist doch cool...ich werde die Welt in meinen Hände haben.

and the next time you want to eat something, try to do it in front of the mirror. naked. let's see how much you'll eat then.

28.4.08 14:45


diana

you BITCHHHHH. you fucking big bitchhhhhhhhh. arghhhhhhhh.

 are you trying to tell me that you are only capable of fasting for TWO fucking days?

 let me tell you something, miss almighty: when you were NINE years old, you would fast day in, day out for THIRTY days. and now you do TWO and then give up? YOU BITCHHH, I HATE YOU, YOU BITCH, IM JUST SO ANGRY, ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

diana, please, please, you got yourself from 53 to 49.5, now you're back to 51...what are you trying to do to yourself? please, please dont do this to me. please. okay forget 36kg, okay? but how about 45? please, c'mon....dont you remember how skinny you used to be? why cant you be that again? if you could then, why not now?

okay, so obviously fasting for yourself doesnt work, how about fasting for GOD? imagine you're doing this for God. okay? please, please diana, dont do this to me, dont kill me with food. please dont.

p.s. someone's gonna be waking up at 5am for a jog tomorrow. AND FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK.

p.p.s. i hate you, you bitch. BITCH.

28.4.08 13:22


diana

i really like this quote: motivation is what gets you started. habit is what keeps you going. it's so true, isnt it? that should really help me. also the thing about hunger- lern den Hunger zu lieben. nach allem bedeutet das, dass dein Fett verbrennt wird. Also, Hunger = weniger Fett. macht doch Sinn, oder?

anyway, i realized that the best thinspiration is yourself. i mean, looking at all these skinny perfections is one thing, but really, nothing hits home harder than seeing yourself skinny...when you were skinny...and then you're like, "oh my gosh...i used to be that. and i can be that again." it involves a lot of self-pity and lament, and that really fuels you up for some skinny action.

im thinking the eating habits in saudi arabia wont go down well with me...i've sorta come up with a plan- fruit for breakfast, fruit for lunch and lots of arabian coffee for dinner. sounds good, huh? i know. =) but then of course it'll be so hypocritical for me to "act" skinny when im NOT skinny! and anyway, do i really wanna go to saudi arabia fat?

hey you know what, forget even that. the question is, do i even want to be fat right now? how much longer do i wanna be fat? am i gonna wait till 15th may to be thin? and think about it...lose weight here, lose weight there...it makes for one beautifully skinny diana. if you can dream it, you can do it, baby.

...i dont want to have to go for another exchange trip where yet again, people remember me as that plump little girl named diana. no. once and for all, i wanna be skinny again. i want people to go, "woah, look at that." and if i want something, i have to go and do it. i'll be skinny...just like before. and i'll have the best time of my life, forever. i'll never be fat again, never ever ever.

i've been having a real rough week last week, which basically means that for one or more complex reasons, my eating habits just went awry, but mom wants me to become thin too (i mean, who doesnt?) and so i've struck a deal with her that i'll eat only an apple for dinner. i mean really, it's hard eating an apple at every dinner without it escaping your mother's attention, and i explained to her why i was doing it, promised her it would work and she's agreed to it, thank God.

of course, what she doesnt know, is that i will not be eating lunch either. which is just great. i mean, how could she know with me being in school and all? goes perfectly with my plan, doesnt it? yeah, i know, im a genius. haha. to execute everything with utmost perfection, i have drawn up a countdown on my whiteboard, so when a day goes perfectly well, i cross it out.

this whole countdown is really good, by the way, because like you can see all the days stretching out in front of you and all, and realize how little time you have by your side and how much each and every day counts. also, it's quite repulsive to see a day singled out for being bad. worse, when there are multiple bad days. it's a very effective indicator indeed.

okay so i really hope everything goes well. 7 days from now i hope to be 46kg. will that work, do you think? though hey, who cares whether i think it will work or not- i'll bloody MAKE it work. and i'll do whatever it takes. but by this time, this day next week, i am going to be sitting her gushing to you about how im 46kg.

 

27.4.08 08:29


diana

im actually rather proud of myself today. i mean, i know i've fasted before and all, and this is really no big thing, but fasting after a period of bingeing or just plain eating is always the hardest thing, because your body has reverted to the old ways again and you've not fasted long enough for your body to miss fasting.

the first day is always the hardest. in fact, it's total shit. but...if you cant get through the first day, how do you expect to ever achieve anything? how do you expect to live through the day after, as if it would be any more easier or different? it's got to be THIS day, this moment, NOW. and yes, it will be shitty. but think about it- in the grand scheme of all days, this is just one day. cant you just grin and bear it for this one day?

i know already, and this is not pscyhological but experiential, that tomorrow will be fab and real easy. easy-weasy-peasy just like that, and it will get subsequently easier as the days go by. (what will not get easier, however, is avoiding dinner under the nose of my family) it'll become habit! and i'll get slim, slim, slim. yay. ...of course i will have a shitty day here and there in the middle of things, but that's only expected. and, once again from experience (and you have witnessed this one before), im just gonna have to grin and bear it like i did for the first.

so yeah, im really proud of myself today. can you imagine? i almost gave up. i was so close to just throwing the towel in and going, "you know what? i cant take this. tomorrow. just one bite for today. just one tiny bite." and okay, so while i admit i had a bit more than i planned for dinner (a mango seed, an apple and lots of raisins), the main thing is that i was able to keep my fast the whole day and it was a controlled meal, rather than a binge. so good job, di! you're getting there. just take it one step at a time. focus on the present, focus on the now, stop dreaming about the future if you're not currently doing anything to get there AND forget about the past. screw-ups? throw them in the dustbin.

love you too, christine. tell me how you're doing.

23.4.08 16:44


keine Ausreden

ich kein mehr Ausreden machen. ich will nicht mehr sagen, oh ich wollte es eigentlich nicht aber...

ich will nicht an mein Gewicht denken. ich will nicht, ich will nicht, ich will nicht...

und bitte, du Hure, wie kannst du dünn sein, wenn du isst?

wenn du wirklich mager sein willst, musst du mit dem Essen AUFHÖREN! es ist nicht schwer oder was- tausende von Mädchen fasten jeden Tag. tausende von Mädchen haben ihre Ziele erreicht. tausende von Mädchen sind von Ana gesegelt worden. tausende von Mädchen können es machen. und DU? du willst 3kg abnehmen und dann aufgeben? you bitch.

mager zu sein...ist ein wundervolles gefühl. denk dran- du wirst eine Figur haben, auf der du stolz sein kannst...nichts anderes zählt...nur deine Figur, deine schöne, schöne, dünne Figur...stell dir vor. du wirst eine Königin sein...nichts könnte dich verletzen...du wirst immer glücklich sein. wenn du Fotos von dir guckst, wenn du dich wiegst...

 wenn du den Hunger in deinem Bauch fühlst...du musst lernen, den zu lieben. es hilft dir. es zeigt dir, dass du auf dem richtigen Weg bist. wovor fürchtest du dich? dass du sterben wirst? bitte, Schatz, du hast 12kg mit den zu spielen kannst. wie kannst du den sterben? du wirst sterben, wenn du 35kg bist. nicht nun. nicht wenn du 51kg bist.

ach ich kann die Nummern nicht sehen, sie verletzen mich...zu groß ich bin zu dick und groß. ach hilf mir. ...ich muss mir helfen. wer sonst?

come on diana, there are thousands of girls doing this with you. they're all behind you now. think about them, if not yourself. think about how if you screw up you're letting down not just yourself but them as well. they're behind you all the way. they care about you too. you can do it. if they can, you can too. have you ever not been able to do something? of course not! it's preposterous to suggest. you want to give up now? now? come on. i believe in you. they believe in you. you can do this.

 lern den Hunger zu lieben. er ist dein Freund, kein Feind. lieb ihn. i've got some advice: never think of yourself as thin. because you're not. not until you're 36kg. you're not thin, do you hear me? you're not. and never think you are. and another: think about how if you eat, you're just gonna regret it later. would you rather wake up to tomorrow and smile at yesterday or live the whole day and the next in guilt? food doesnt solve any problem. it creates problems. food wont help you, it wont. it wont. du brauchst kein Essen. du brauchst es gar nicht. alles ist eine große Lüge. eine Täuschung.

du brauchst kein Essen, auch wenn du überzeugt bist, dass du es brauchst. du brauchst es nicht. nicht. nicht.

is your tummy flat, can you feel your ribs, are the stretch marks nonexisten, are your arms bony are your thighs reduced?

no?

then what's that food doing in your mouth?

22.4.08 17:40


diana

ok i really need to get to the bottom of this. this just isnt right. why am i eating again? i mean, eating like...that. there's this popular saying i found in a magazine, and it's completely true: eating wont help you solve your problems; it'll only make you feel worse. couldnt get truer than that.

okay well i'll tell you why i eat like this sometimes: guilt. self-hatred and criticism. when im really upset myself, i guess i use food as a way to punish myself. like this evening i was really upset from having to eat dinner, and i was feeling so gross inside of me. and so i ate a bit of ice-cream. one scoop of ice-cream. 3 bowls of cereal. it didnt help, of course, and i know that tomorrow im just going to feel absolutely shitty.

what's the moral of the story, how do i salvage this situation? like okay so i felt really gross... it's psychological, really, it's all psychological- i have to tell myself that it's alright, that everything's ok. rather than berate myself and feel dick und blöd, you know what i mean? ach i ate so much and i feel terrible about it. the worst thing was that today was just going so well.

i realized that i always tend to have bad food days when i go swimming in the evening. it's not the intensity of the whole thing, really, i mean, i eat significantly less upon having gone jogging. i think it's the whole "oh-my-god-im-so-fat-in-this-bikini,have-you-seen-those-gargantuan-elephant-thighs?" deal. so what, should i not go swimming till im down to 36 kg? dont be daft.

what do i do about this? when it's all up there in my mind and i feel so powerless over myself?

just grin and bear it, diana. you just have to acknowledge that this is a screwy day and you dont wanna mess it up any further and grin and bear it. you have to stay strong. come on, you're a strong girl. you can do this. it's in you, i know it is. i believe in you. show me that you can: 45kg by this friday, deal?

(5kg in 4 days? no way!)

...okay, revise plan- 45kg by this sunday, ok?

i think i can. no. YES i can. i will. count on me.

(and no checking the weighing scale till next monday)

ok wait. i need to know what i have to do to reach this goal. are we still on the whole concentrate on this day, focus on the present thing? ...yes, yes we are. but not to all that extent. in the end, while you focus on the present, you have to know why. you have to keep in sight the conclusion, the main goal, you have to understand what's keeping you going, implant your motivation firmly in your mind.

alright so that means that i should always keep this going on in my mind: i need to be 45kg by sunday. this is crucial. once i reach this, im one step closer to my final goal of 36kg. each day is important, each day counts. no day can simply go discounted. this day counts. this very day, my present. i have to make it good. that, for now, is all that matters.

gut, i got it. i'll do it. i promise. i promise.

21.4.08 17:24


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