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so.

heute war ok...ich hatte kaum Hunger, also fürchte ich, dass ich zugenommen hatte oder so was. ich wog mich noch mal und ich bin immer noch 49.5kg. also das ist gut, besonders denn das Wochenende war so schlecht.

ich habe am Abend geschwommen und wollte nur eine Apfelsine essen, aber mama hat Aubergine gekocht und das ist mein Lieblingsgemüse, weißt du...cih aß ein bisschen zu viel und fühle echt eklig. wie ich mir wünsche, dass ich die Apfelsine einfach gegessen hätte! die Apfelsine könnte mich rein machen, mich säubern, weißt du?

also ich habe die Apfelsine nicht gegessen, weil ich eingemerkt hatte, dass wenn ich diese ganze Woche am Abend nicht esse, würde meine mama bestimmt etwas vermuten. ich kann nicht immer sagen, oh es ist zu spät, und du weißt schon, dass ich nicht mag, so spät zu essen... Dienstag, Mittwoch und Freitag werde ich am Abend nichts essen aber am Donnerstag muss ich dann zumindest meine Suppe haben.

ach ich fühle schrecklich. ich wollte die Gemüse gar nicht essen, und nun fühle ich so eklig, dass ich irgendwie mehr essen will. ach! hör auf, diana, hör auf! du hast Fortschritt gemacht- bitte zerstör es nicht.

21.4.08 14:31


diana

lesson no. 1: if it's a psychological problem that's driving at your stomach, give in to it. because if you dont, everything will just be blown out of proportion later.

lesson no. 2: if you ignored the above, dont even attempt fasting the next day. it wont work.

lesson no. 3: if you havent followed the first two lessons, you'd have already learnt the third.

 yeah so that basically sums up the weekend. i think i'll revise this little plan of mine: i'll fast religiously during the 5-day week and then just be normal for the weekend. it really is quite impossible not to, what with a mother, a father, a sister and two maids. and anyway, i think it'll be good for me. like just let loose for a couple of days to recharge and all and then back again on my feet. of course i'll try to eat as little as possible, but basically, fasting will be quite impossible and should be a no-no for me anyway.

i was just gonna be sarcastic and say, "i really should learn from experience," because...well, that sorta says everything, but i realize that saying all that wont do anything for me. i'd have just said it and let it be. i like this blog because i can say everything in full without having to be cryptic and hide behind my words, and i think that really helps. when you let everything out and see your thoughts and write them down, it helps. you learn better. you'll remember. you'll know exactly why you went wrong, where you went wrong, what you're gonna do about it, and guess what? you will do something about it. rather than just be sardonic about it and let it be.

like i always think that that one statement is a chilling enough reminder for me, the acerbicness (i hope there's such a word) is enough to pierce through my heart and maime it, but...no, it isnt enough. it affects me, yes, but saying it and it affecting me in that way doesnt really do anything for me, if you know what i mean. i will still make the same mistakes because i have only plucked the sour fruit that this tree bears. but in time, the tree will just go on to bear more fruit. if i really want to change, i have to state that fact and then explore it- dig up the soil, find the roots and yank them out.

so there. three lessons and i have learnt the third- trust yourself, listen to yourself, lean back on experiential knowledge and follow the first two (lessons).

20.4.08 09:42


diana

it's half past two in the morning and im awake even though my eyelids clamp down now and then on me...i guess everyone makes mistakes. everyone has to fall sometimes. it's not that serious, is it? just one day? just one day? just one completely stupid day? it was going all right until...

...until what?

the guilt. until the guilt set in. guilt makes a person eat more. im not just making this up, it's a proven fact. louise hay wrote about it in her book, you can heal your life, and i have experienced it many a time. like today. just like today. psychologically your body tells you to eat, it needs the extra protection from the guilt you're drowning in...

it wasnt guilt about eating, no, it was so much more. caught up in situations and dilemmas (moral, mostly), having to make decisions i cant make. guilt for having done this and that and then just wanting to scream. ...it's half past two. all i want is sleep. i just want sleep. pure, golden sleep. sleep i can call mine, clutch to my chest, unbroken, untouched, mine.

i thought i'd have time to sing today, and play the piano. and time for math, perhaps. mostly i was hoping for sleep. i'll get 4 hours today. tomorrow will be living hell.

is there any way to live through excruciating guilt without eating? c'è? c'è la just-grin-and-bear-it soluzione? oh perché non ho fatto? yes! yes, there is! what about the people who somehow dont use food to appease their guilt? i think the important thing to realize is that it's just for that one day. i just have to put up with the storm till it passes.

it sure as hell isnt going to do me any good berating myself for not having done so today. that's what learning is about anyway, i guess, and i have to learn. come on, it's just one day. just one (really screwed up) day. it's gone, forget about it. forget it existed. this is a new day. make it good. will you?

i know it's hard...the day after is always a bit tough, but you've got to get through it, dont you? come on, diana, you've knocked off 3kg just like that, your jeans fit you so much better, you can suck in your tummy till it's like totally flat, your skin doesnt fold as much (and your arms are still fat like anything despite all your dumbbell workouts) and you want to give up now? now? after everything, you want to give up now?

this is not as good as it gets. it can get better. you still havent reached the peak yet, you still havent tested and tried yourself yet. this is nothing. wait till you drop off the rest of the extra kilos. wait till then. arent you curious enough to just stick on so that you can find out? if not you, then who?

19.4.08 20:44


Dummkopf, bitte...

hast du dein Ziel erreicht? bist du schon sechsunddreißig Kilo?

nein?

 DANN WIE KANNST DU AN ESSEN DENKEN?!?!?!!

19.4.08 12:23


dicke Kuh ohne Disziplin

oh bist du zufrieden nun, du Kuh, die Trauben UND eine Banane UND  Dörrobst aß? warum, warum, ach  warum hast du das gemacht? du hast diesen perfekten Tag zerstört! du bist so dumm, weißt du, so dumm!

 ...aber ich war hungrig...ich wollte nur mehr Trauben aber es gab keine und die Banane war richtig gut, und dann fühlte ich so schuldig, dass ich die Dörrobst aß... ich sollte Wasser bevor dem Essen getrunken haben...mit Wasser wird alles immer richtig.

 es wird nicht mehr passieren. nicht mehr, hörst du mich?

19.4.08 12:18


diana

YES! i've finally broken out of the 50-cycle! im 49.5kg, baby!!!! ...okay, but calm down, dont get ahead of yourself. remember, take this one day at a time. just a day at a time, one step, one focus. and then you'll be there.

 come on, i can do this. go di!

18.4.08 16:37


na ja

also heute war gut... ziemlich ok. nun fühle ich gar keinen Hunger. nun ist es für mich so natürlich, ohne Essen zu gehen. ich mag es! ich fühle viel dünner und leichter... bevor dem Abendessen heute trank ich ein Glas Wasser, und ich war schon satt. kannst du dir das glauben?!? cool, oder? ich hatte vor, nur eine Banane zu essen, aber mama hat ne Mango im Kühlschrank gestellt...

so der Tiefpunkt für heute war, dass ich eine Banane UND eine Mango aß. außerdem...habe ich nur einen Apfel gegessen und Saft getrunken. (Frühstück) gut gemacht, di! das Problem jetzt ist, mama vermutet etwas schon...was tue ich morgen?!? also, Abendessen wird kein Problem sein, denn am Abend setzt mama meine Schwester zum Flughafen ab, aber wie mit Mittagessen? also ich kann immer lügen...

 ja, das wird doch gut sein. ...ja! ich kann sagen, dass ich etwas holen werde... yay. cool. also dann. tschüs!

18.4.08 15:33


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