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diana

it's half past two in the morning and im awake even though my eyelids clamp down now and then on me...i guess everyone makes mistakes. everyone has to fall sometimes. it's not that serious, is it? just one day? just one day? just one completely stupid day? it was going all right until...

...until what?

the guilt. until the guilt set in. guilt makes a person eat more. im not just making this up, it's a proven fact. louise hay wrote about it in her book, you can heal your life, and i have experienced it many a time. like today. just like today. psychologically your body tells you to eat, it needs the extra protection from the guilt you're drowning in...

it wasnt guilt about eating, no, it was so much more. caught up in situations and dilemmas (moral, mostly), having to make decisions i cant make. guilt for having done this and that and then just wanting to scream. ...it's half past two. all i want is sleep. i just want sleep. pure, golden sleep. sleep i can call mine, clutch to my chest, unbroken, untouched, mine.

i thought i'd have time to sing today, and play the piano. and time for math, perhaps. mostly i was hoping for sleep. i'll get 4 hours today. tomorrow will be living hell.

is there any way to live through excruciating guilt without eating? c'è? c'è la just-grin-and-bear-it soluzione? oh perché non ho fatto? yes! yes, there is! what about the people who somehow dont use food to appease their guilt? i think the important thing to realize is that it's just for that one day. i just have to put up with the storm till it passes.

it sure as hell isnt going to do me any good berating myself for not having done so today. that's what learning is about anyway, i guess, and i have to learn. come on, it's just one day. just one (really screwed up) day. it's gone, forget about it. forget it existed. this is a new day. make it good. will you?

i know it's hard...the day after is always a bit tough, but you've got to get through it, dont you? come on, diana, you've knocked off 3kg just like that, your jeans fit you so much better, you can suck in your tummy till it's like totally flat, your skin doesnt fold as much (and your arms are still fat like anything despite all your dumbbell workouts) and you want to give up now? now? after everything, you want to give up now?

this is not as good as it gets. it can get better. you still havent reached the peak yet, you still havent tested and tried yourself yet. this is nothing. wait till you drop off the rest of the extra kilos. wait till then. arent you curious enough to just stick on so that you can find out? if not you, then who?

19.4.08 20:44
 


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