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ok i really need to get to the bottom of this. this just isnt right. why am i eating again? i mean, eating like...that. there's this popular saying i found in a magazine, and it's completely true: eating wont help you solve your problems; it'll only make you feel worse. couldnt get truer than that.

okay well i'll tell you why i eat like this sometimes: guilt. self-hatred and criticism. when im really upset myself, i guess i use food as a way to punish myself. like this evening i was really upset from having to eat dinner, and i was feeling so gross inside of me. and so i ate a bit of ice-cream. one scoop of ice-cream. 3 bowls of cereal. it didnt help, of course, and i know that tomorrow im just going to feel absolutely shitty.

what's the moral of the story, how do i salvage this situation? like okay so i felt really gross... it's psychological, really, it's all psychological- i have to tell myself that it's alright, that everything's ok. rather than berate myself and feel dick und blöd, you know what i mean? ach i ate so much and i feel terrible about it. the worst thing was that today was just going so well.

i realized that i always tend to have bad food days when i go swimming in the evening. it's not the intensity of the whole thing, really, i mean, i eat significantly less upon having gone jogging. i think it's the whole "oh-my-god-im-so-fat-in-this-bikini,have-you-seen-those-gargantuan-elephant-thighs?" deal. so what, should i not go swimming till im down to 36 kg? dont be daft.

what do i do about this? when it's all up there in my mind and i feel so powerless over myself?

just grin and bear it, diana. you just have to acknowledge that this is a screwy day and you dont wanna mess it up any further and grin and bear it. you have to stay strong. come on, you're a strong girl. you can do this. it's in you, i know it is. i believe in you. show me that you can: 45kg by this friday, deal?

(5kg in 4 days? no way!)

...okay, revise plan- 45kg by this sunday, ok?

i think i can. no. YES i can. i will. count on me.

(and no checking the weighing scale till next monday)

ok wait. i need to know what i have to do to reach this goal. are we still on the whole concentrate on this day, focus on the present thing? ...yes, yes we are. but not to all that extent. in the end, while you focus on the present, you have to know why. you have to keep in sight the conclusion, the main goal, you have to understand what's keeping you going, implant your motivation firmly in your mind.

alright so that means that i should always keep this going on in my mind: i need to be 45kg by sunday. this is crucial. once i reach this, im one step closer to my final goal of 36kg. each day is important, each day counts. no day can simply go discounted. this day counts. this very day, my present. i have to make it good. that, for now, is all that matters.

gut, i got it. i'll do it. i promise. i promise.

21.4.08 17:24

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